Heal Real

Dear Olivia, We made it!!!

Dear Ollie,

 WE MADE IT!!!! It has been exactly 7 months since your Dad started a world tour with your friend Rihanna. He has been gone from our day to day lives and routine pretty much since you were a week old; with the exceptions of a few weeks here and there, daily skype chats and phone calls. When I first learned about his leaving, I was scared, angry, resentful, grateful for the opportunity, BUT let’s be honest - I was mostly wondering how the hell I was going to manage being practically a single Mom, a new Mama no less?! My confidence was shaken. I was still recovering from birth and learning everything about you, about motherhood, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, etc… It was a lot and I could not believe that you and I would be pretty much on our own!! And so our journey together began…..
I felt this immediately when I found out I was pregnant with you, it made sense to me that whatever was happening to me was being felt by you. It was a feeling so strong in every cell in my body that every day of being pregnant with you I became more conscious and aware or truly choosing my thoughts, my feelings. Consciously sending you + me love and peace and calm. Realizing that the brain only processes information - it is not the truth teller. This continues to be true for me in your infant hood and in my life in general. I have become more clear through motherhood that how my energy is sets the tone for our day. I am hyper aware of this fact, yet I am still human - so although there have been mostly happy days; there have also been moments where I have been overwhelmed, stressed out, living in doubt or fear. Thankfully, when these moments have happened, I have been able to eventually forgive myself for being human. From those times I learned patience, for you and for myself. From those moments that were difficult, I have learned forgiveness and peace. I am so emotional these days! I cry all the time out of the LOVE i feel for you. Just looking into your eyes can bring tears to my eyes some (most) days!! I never knew a love like this was possible.
This has been the most beautiful 7 months of my life. I have learned so much about myself, life, relationships, and most of all you. I have gotten to spend every single day getting to know you better, observing you, loving you, making you laugh - a goal of mine each day!, giving you baths, feeding you, holding you, teaching you how to sleep, applauding your success’. staring into your eyes, taking millions of pictures and videos to capture the moments, going for long walks, going on the swings, having dance parties just you and I (you LOVE music), singing to you- (finally I have an audience) haha, and mainly just enjoying and loving every single moment I get to spend with you. You are a joy. A blessing. A beautiful soul that I get to call my daughter. You are the greatest gift in the universe. You are YOU. You are unique, funny, deep, special, loving + everything wonderful and powerful. You take it all in. You teach me to slow down. Listen. BE. PRESENT. SHOW UP. You are a curious seeker. You are a nature lover. You know what you want, and you let it be known. I love that. I love everything about you Ollie. You are perfect. You are a shining light. An angel on this earth and I am blessed and honored to call you my daughter. I love being a Mom. I love being YOUR Mom.
I found that when I looked into your big and deep eyes, I felt calm. You needed me and I showed up for you. Every time. To the best of my abilities with 100% LOVE as my intention. I became calm and started to realize that I could do this. We could do this. Together. Yes, I have been the one “taking care of you” physically, but you have shown me more love and made my heart smile brighter than I ever thought possible. I believe in myself deeply because of what we have been through together, starting from birth - and this is only the beginning! I am a much better human because of everything we have been through together you and I, and all of us as a family.
The level of love and the way my heart grew and continues to expand daily for you + subsequently for myself is astounding. Very radical indeed, the more I love you, the more I love myself. And every day it grows.
During this glorious transition and journey we have thankfully had amazing friends help us out and support us. Some of my friendships ran their natural course and we parted ways lovingly, and others became closer + more united than ever. New and old friends and family; for those who have been with us on this journey I will never forget it. There has never been a time when I needed my tribe of loved ones more, so thank you to all of you who showed up. I will carry you in my heart forever.
We have been to California, Barbados, Florida + London, but mostly have resided in our little apartment here in the lower east side. We are an adventurous, dynamic duo.
Starting today we will begin our life as 3. Truly as 3. This was a huge sacrifice that your Daddy made for our family .His heart has ached for you every single moment of everyday he has not seen you or held you in person. From now on, you will get to experience normal day to day life with the people who made you. You will get to see your Daddy and I love each other and laugh and love you together every single day in person. No more “2D Daddy” YAY!!!  You will get to actually touch, cuddle, kiss and be held by me AND your Daddy every single day. I feel like I am going to cry while writing this because I am over the moon about our family. We have so much love between us and we have so much love for you. WE MADE IT my dear Ollie. Daddy is coming home!!! This is the best Christmas present of all. To be together.
I love you forever and thank you for being you.
Love,
Mom

Purity of thought.

It’s incredible how much I have learned from my daughter Olivia in the past 3 and a half months. She is pure love. Always in the NOW. I love watching her discover new things for the first time. She examines everything with such depth and curiosity.

She takes time to really look and experience everything. Most of all, she does not judge herself - EVER. She just IS. A pure being. Full of love. Completely innocent.

It’s hard to believe we all came into the world this way. We came into this whole and complete. Perfect in our own INDIVIDUAL way. We were lead by our instincts. Focused only on the present moment. We were not ruled by fear or insecurities. We didn’t over analyze or judge ourselves. I love Olivia’s purity of thought. Her thoughts are not tainted with beliefs such as “I can’t” or “I am not enough.” 

Somewhere along the way we learned things about ourselves. We listened to the outside world and other people’s opinions of us. We told ourselves our story. We believed things about ourselves that did not and do not serve us. We sometimes broke ourselves down. And we can pick ourselves back up too.

Olivia has inspired me to rediscover purity of thought. Negative thoughts and beliefs only have power if I choose to give them power. Live in the moment. Right NOW.

What am I getting out of it?

This is hands down (in my opinion) the most important question you can ask yourself when you are not happy in any situation or in an un-resourceful state of mind. At first, you may think it is ridiculous that you are actually getting something out of being depressed, overweight, broke or whatever it may be……but, if you dig deeper and are truly REAL with yourself, some things may start to come up. Consciously, of course you do not want to feel miserable or unhappy; but unconsciously you are most likely “gaining” something out of it. Maybe your depression makes you feel like you are wiser or more connected to other people. Maybe you don’t really want to lose weight after all because if you do you think your relationships will suffer, or the thought of the attention you will get makes you nervous. Maybe you are broke because unconsciously you like to be taken care of by family and friends and if you had money, you think that could change or you think if you had money you would become someone different. The possibilities are endless and unique to each of us. Next time you recognize you are not feeling something you want to be feeling, ask yourself: What am I getting out of it? And be real about it. 

Stronger. Wiser. More Inspired than Ever. I am back.

These past 3 months have been the most transformative, incredible, joyful, enlightening, emotional months of my life. I became a mother to the most beautiful soul I have ever had the honor of meeting. Olivia Hazel has changed me forever. In the most powerful and wonderful way. She has taught me what love is. Truly. Because now I can honestly say, that yes - I really do love myself. ALL OF ME. How could I not, if she is a part of me? She is PURE LOVE. She has brought out the best in me and inspires me to the core. 

I am ready to get back to work. To inspiration. It will be a balancing act, but I am ready for the challenge. Heal Real, here we go!

Giving up control…..(learning to surrender)

I am only SIX days away from my due date, which means nothing really. My beautiful baby girl can come anytime she wants…. For me, it is a waiting game now. A lesson in truly giving up control and letting nature take it’s course. I am a meticulous planner usually, and I cannot “plan” when she will enter this world. I really have to get into the flow now (more than ever) and be in the present moment, every moment. Any sensation I feel may or may not be the signal for me to call my husband, and page my doula and midwife…. Apparently, I’ll “know” when it is for real.

Then, BIRTH. A natural, home water birth. Again, no possible way to control anything. I am ok with this, excited in fact — this is how I framed it up for myself because hey; anxiety and excitement are really the exact same “feeling” so I get to choose the more empowered one. Pretty cool, huh?  I have spent many months now preparing as best as I can for this life changing miracle. I have definitely been super focused on the outcome because I just KNOW that after wards I am going to feel like I can do anything on such a level that I will be unstoppable. I just have this feeling in my gut. Also, I have very strong personal opinions about what is the best way for MY baby to come into this earth. So, during the process, I will again relinquish all control to nature and the universe and let things happen naturally. I have an image of myself remaining super zen and in a beautiful hypnotic trance, but I will be flexible…. This is the plan. The plan I can’t control….For now, I will focus on just BEING and enjoy the ride!!

Collaboration and Partnership. So REAL.

Recently I started working with an amazing organization called Tribal Truth. The message is simple; “We put a tribe behind your dreams.” Tribal Truth is all about women empowering each other through partnership and collaboration. Having a safe space to reveal the truth of what holds us back or gets us going, and always being open to inspiration whilst being authentic.

I used to be hesitant to become involved in such groups because as much as I love healing, growth and transformation- I was afraid that I wouldn’t be REAL and attainable to “regular” non self help lovers like myself. I no longer have those beliefs. Now I go with my gut because it feels good. I have always loved being part of a team, since I was a little kid; so in the beginning of my career I wondered at times why I chose something where I would be working for myself? Alone? Thankfully I know it doesn’t have to be that way, and I am continuing to learn just how powerful collaboration can truly be.

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